Cont. from Yep , I Spoke to Soon!
January 8, 2005
Well, what's been in my heart for a long time is that I've been pretending that I have a love affair with Phil.
For years I've felt the coldness between us but refuse to accept it. Though I don't want to consider what I've been thinking since the beginning of the year as a resolution , I did decide that I was going to take better care of myself , mind , body and soul. I also decided that I'm going to break bad habits. Of, course one of those habits are to stop using drugs . Now, I have to identify the other bad habits that aren't so apparent.
One,would be to stop deluding myself into believing that Phil loves me. Maybe, because I've been using drugs , I've damaged this relationship . If, that is true then I can accept that. However, he won't tell me what he feels and he continues to allow me to be here with him , I still have the key so forth and so on. I guess that's why I didn't want to believe that it's over. You would think he would just say so.
No, he continues to sleep with me and live with me , so no wonder I'm confused. None the less his behavior says something totally different. He's cruel and sometimes very bitter. He talks to with such vulger language for anything he pleases . I've been around him for a long time and I've never heard him talk to anyone but his ex-wife like he's spoken to me lately. Oh, and he can't stand her. He spoken to stray dogs with more respect. He doesn't even try to control himself , he just says what he wants anyway he wants and when I strike back . Well, of course now I'm the vulger one.
I guess what I'm getting at is that if I'm to live up to my promise to myself then I have to stop allowing this. Since , I can't change him I have to let go. If I continue to stay with him it will just get worse. When you let some get away with treating you bad they just loose any respect for you they may have had. Then you appear to be disparate. Also, you can't complain because a person can only do to you what you allow. By remaining once I know this is abuse ,is to give him permission to treat me bad. Then , I only get what I ask for.
I guess , another problem I have is every since I met him ,the truth is when I'm living with him I do better. I can't afford to move on my own and that leaves with moving back to my mother's where I seem to give in to temptation. I guess I'm just going to have to be stronger now. Also, I'll miss Duke. I did agree to come here in the day time while my daughter is in school and stay with him so I can let him out . I'll just be leaving before he gets home.
Most of all I hope that I can do it. Leave that is. I hope I can be strong and do what I must to improve myself.
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